Mixed Emotions

In one breath, I can express so many different emotions, it's enough make your head spin. Mostly for my own benefit, I want to jot them down. Physically, I just can't seem to get it all done, the tree is down, but there is still Christmas village stuff to be put away (at least we are unpacked from our trip!). The kids started school, but it is slow going, they need to be re-trained....we sit and finish our work....without complaint....I'll let you know when the training is successful and finished ;)

Emotions...

I am sad for a bloggy friend who has miscarried, I lost a baby between my two girls, so I know how painful it can be. Someday in heaven, a person almost unknown to me will walk up and give me a hug and call me mom.

I am anxious about this little one growing inside me. She is transverse and was also at my check-up a month ago. I'm only 30 weeks, so I know that I shouldn't worry, but I am. Probably because I know that one would defiantly squash any natural/homebirth..... So, note to the child who loves to kick my bladder, "please turn so that I can breath a sigh of relief".

I am a little sad today about my little Caleb. One blog friend that I follow was at the EXACT same point in their adoption as we were....they choose a child on the waiting list and are leaving in a week or two to go to Ethiopia. I am super excited for them and their son, but I am sad that it's not me. Also, a friend at church is gearing up for their last fundraiser and will hopefully be traveling to Ch*na around the time my little girl is joining the world in March.....I wish that I had my referral picture so that we could lament about our children that are not in our arms together. I know, it's pitiful, I am torn between cheering these families on and sulking....

I am starting to get real excited to have a newborn, the nursing, cuddling, and even crazy sleepless nights. I want to wash and dress a little one in sweet baby clothes and try on the things I have knitted for her. I also am a little done being pregnant, I want to eat a real meal....of whatever the heck and want.... and whatever time of night I want :) I am ready..... thankfully time seems to be flying by.

I am super excited and loving all the updates on a friends' twins that were born last week about 9 weeks early. She was only 3 weeks ahead of me, so it's crazy that she's no longer pregnant with me. The twins are so precious, I got to peak at them in the NICU and one of them even held onto my finger (I am to terrified to do more touching or holding that that! They are SO small!)

And lastly, I am stressed about my relationship with my oldest girl. She will be 9 next month and nothing is easy with her. She has a dramatic response to everything. She won't do what she's told the first time...ever. She has been sneaky and disobedient. Quite frankly, I take it all very personal and I haven't handled it well every day. Some days, I deal okay, calm, cool, collected mom. Other days, I can flip and do more yelling than I should. Pretty sure it's not helping the situation. I know she is testing her boundaries, but it's not as easy when she did this kind of stuff as a 2 or 3 year old. I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me all that much because I have been laying down the law....we probably both need a break from each other for about a week, too bad she's homeschooled ;) It's funny, because a month or two ago, it was the younger one that was making me want to pull out my hair, I guess they are just taking turns...

Off to disrupt the pleasant sisterly play to see if we can finish up school without any tears....from any of us .....