It's not fair!

Wow, I am a terrible blogger! Something seemed to happen to me when I got pregnant and lost ALL of my energy and felt nauseous from about 2pm until I went to bed at night....I lost my desire to be at the computer. I'm not talking just blogging, no, I didn't want to even check my email. If I couldn't do it in under 2 minutes with my iphone, I didn't do it. Maybe God knew I needed an extended break from this time sucker (the computer), who knows?

Now, I'm not saying I am back to my old time commitment of my blog. No, I still don't have any desire to be here long. I'd rather be curled up on the couch with a good book, and I should be cleaning the house for our company tonight, but I thought I'd get some feeling out here so I can process them. (I will still update any adoption news!)

I have spent the past two months focusing on the joy of being pregnant, the necessity of giving birth again, and simply trying to do my best to eat and fix my family meals when food has lost most of it's appeal. (Oh...and scrabbling to find the energy and organization to get school rolling...can I just let you know that the pregnancy brain has already set in!)

With all this at the front of my mind, I thought I had moved past not accepting God's plan and His timing. I thought I had accepted that maybe my Caleb in Africa has not even been born yet. Maybe my Caleb is still with his birth mother while she is struggling with a decision to give him up. I knew we would meet Caleb and have him in our family in God's timing...I was good, pregnant, starting to show, and starting to like food again.

Wrong.

I was not good. And I didn't even know it. :( Oh how I still do not always accept God's timing, I do not accept rules that say we have to put our adoption on hold when there are 143 million orphans in this world, one of whom we want to love, we want to share our home with, one that my arms want to hold. And do you know what sent me into a tailspin? The first day of our celebrating series of I Love My Church. Yep, it's supposed to be a fun, exciting series of all the great things about our church. And there I was, sobbing by the end of it.

It literally hit me out of no where. I never saw it coming.

The 2 families that were featured are living out pure religion. They are following God's calling on their lives to speak out for those who cannot speak out for themselves. One family helped start our new ministry Project 143, a ministry to help and support the orphans around the world and families in our church who may be adopting. The other family is adopting a little girl from China. The call was to ask God, what would you have me to for those in poverty, the widows, the orphans, what will we do about the injustice in this world.

By the time the second family's video was playing, I was already crying. Sad that I have to wait longer than I had expected to meet Caleb.

By the time our pastor was asking our congregation to think about what God would have them do, I was sad, mad, angry, simply overwhelmed and livid all at the same time.

I was mad that there are ridiculous hoops that you have to jump through to rescue a orphan.

I was angry for the family adopting from China that they have had so many set backs, mostly due to red tape or human error that their dossier is still not in China.

I was mad that it is so much money to simply ransom a precious orphan to raise and love in your home.

I was sad that someone decided that we should stop our adoption just because we are have another baby.

I was mad that homestudy agency's out there will give an "unfavorable" homestudy to a loving family that doesn't have the "middle class" house and income.

I was devastated that I had heard and accepting the call from God to no longer live in comfort, to sacrifice, to speak up for the injustice of the orphan by bringing home our sweet boy that God has picked out for us.....and I have to wait. I needed a good cry, one for Caleb that I hadn't had since I found out I was pregnant.

I am so sad. Not sad that I am pregnant. Not sad that I get feel another sweet baby grow inside me, to bring him or her into this world and nurse that baby and be it's mother from the very first breath. No, I am sad that I have to wait longer than I anticipated to be Caleb's mother....to snuggle him, teach him his first English words...to show him that I am his mother and I'm not going anywhere. I have to wait to share those exciting new things with him like snow, ice cream, swimming in a pool, kisses from our dogs.....a family.

It's not fair.

That's a popular phrase around my house with my girls, and I usually just smile and shake my head and say, "No, it's not fair...I'm sorry about that."

I bet that's what God would tell me now.

"No, it's not fair. People added sin into my perfect world, and it's just not fair. I am sorry about that."

I feel much better after my cry. I still don't like the injustice of it all. I still want to hold my little boy. I still want to tell people that they can adopt if God calls them to it. I still want to go to Africa.

But I am waiting. I know God is in control....He has His own ways and His own timing. I'm like the mad toddler who isn't getting her way, I'm not happy about it, but I am waiting.