Okay, let's get it out in the open, I'm a terrible blogger. Haven't been here to actually write in forever. Several reasons for that...one, let's face it, I have a crawling eight month old (she's been doing that for two months) and two older ones in need of an education...that in itself is enough reason to not see me on here too much. The second reason, back in August, I attending a Encounter weekend at my church. We were supposed to fast for several days leading up to the weekend, but I being the breastfeeding mom and all could not safely fast from food decided to fast from computer. I stepped back from everything Facebook, blogs and emails for the week and it was very eye opening. I realized that too much of my time was being sucked in. Some of it was even good stuff, not just mindless Facebook. I read a couple blogs of really wonderful Christian women, but I realized that week that it was too much time on the computer and not enough in my Bible and not enough time with my kids. Even good thinks like Christian adoption blogs can become idols...ahem. So there you have it. A few reasons you might not see me around as much.
One more small reason, okay, so it's not so small....I'm feeling a little raw when it comes to all things adoption. I feel like we are dragging our feet, but not really meaning to do so. We keep trying to move forward and can't seem to. I know, vague...
Here's a solid example I can give you, I sent in our I-600a (fancy numbers for our application to be fingerprinted by the FBI) back at the end of September, we still don't have a fingerprint appointment...what is up with that?!!
Need another?....my sweet hubby had a great idea to have a golf tournament as a fundraiser....yeah, not so much. We had a wonderful couple at church help us get prizes, we tried to advertise, we had very little response and then we had to change venues at the last minute. Now we are thinking it would be best to wait till after Christmas and when it warms up towards sping. To say we are disappointed is an understatement.
My best friend said the other day that she was starting to really think that both of our adoptions weren't just about the adoptions, but about the journey. I think she's dead on. It's about the journey Kelly is on, the journey I'm on...sheesh, literally as I am writing this, it dawns on me...my blog, that I named in a giddy new adopting mom state is called Our Journey to Africa! Even a year and seven months ago, God already knew that it wasn't about bringing a baby home, but so much more. It is the journey that we are on in the process.
It's been painful, it's been scary, it's been overwhelming, it's been joyfull, it's been awe-inspiring, it's been humbling,
and it has taken a lot longer that I thought or planned.
Honestly, some days I wish I could go back to being blind. Blind to the things beyond my narrow, middle class, church-going, homeschooled little world. I wish I could go back to drinking coffee or eating chocolate without the knowledge that I now have of the injustice that goes on just so we can enjoy these seemingly simple things. I wish I could nurse my baby in peace without anguishing over what the babies in "the bottom" of my own town are eating.
Pruning hurts.
But if I want fruit in my life, I have to let Him prune.
Honestly, most days, I'd rather not.
What am I learning in all this?
Specifically tonight, I'm learning that His promises are true, He will not change his mind. He will give my dreams wings and I shouldn't have to force open the doors to get there. I am learning surrender and not be afraid. To say your will Lord.
"Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don’t be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."
1 Chr. 28:20
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