Monday, August 2, 2010
and sadness all at the same time.
All around me, prego mommas are poppin up, and I am so excited for them. Truly filled with joy, something that would have been hard in January for me. In January, I could barely contain the tears when I would hear of yet another friend finding out that they were pregnant. I am filled with joy for them, knowing that God has a plan for all of us, my plan includes a sweet brown-eyed little boy from far away. He is born in my heart and I will always love him as much as any of my children.
Unexpected joy.........because our prayers from last December have been answered.......
we are pregnant.
Sadness...........because I will probably have to wait a little longer to hold my sweet boy, who was born in my heart.
A friend said something comforting, that this just means sweet Caleb may not even be born yet. I know God had our days laid out, He has a specific child picked out for our family. My human brain says that's fine that our Caleb hasn't been born yet....don't you know I would take any of those sweet children? I don't want this sweet miracle growing inside me to alter my steps to Africa......
truly, they are not being altered, the time schedule has just changed.
I am glad that God knew all along that this would happen, I just hate when I lose sight of the fact that I'm not in control, I hate when I am surprised when things don't go the way I planned. I'm afraid this will be one of those life-long lessons......
God, "Jessica, I'm in control"
Me, "Yes, Lord, I know"
God, "No, Jessica, really...I'm in control"
and then I fly right for a little while before we repeat said conversation again. :) He created me with my controlling issues, He knows how often I need to be reminded.
These were my thoughts 3 weeks ago, as we waited for our ultrasound to prove that we indeed were pregnant and that baby was fine and healthy, we kept the news to ourselves and friends and family that we spoke to face to face or on the phone.
The biggest thing that I have come to terms with is that God does have a plan for our family. Our adoption plans were placed in our hearts by Him and nothing has changed. I still have a little boy, who God plans for me to raise who was or will be...born in Ethiopia.
My children now simply tell everyone, my mom is "getting" pregnant and we are adopting a little boy named Caleb.....all in the same breath. (Oh! If they only knew how rocked their world will be!)
More to come on all of our news, one thing for us that is clear, we now have more time to raise the funds to ransom our son from Africa. So, even though the paperchase has slowed, we are still "in the process" :)